February 12, 2016 by Cláudia
I want to spend my life making the world a better place. But today, I am defeated.
Today the despair won and made me numb. The world is sick. There is suffering, injustice and misery and it’s too much for me, I am suffocated and can’t handle everyone’s suffering on top of mine. Or can’t handle my suffering on top of everyone else’s (which really comes down to the same thing).
The world is sick because our integrity is being corrupted every time our world is disrespected, every time we harm Nature, every time we harm each other and every time we harm ourselves. Every plastic glass that goes to the ground, every toxic waste released, every discrimination, injustice, corruption, dishonesty, every time we smoke, we eat processed food… Every time we don’t live with integrity, we become sick, because our world is sick. I just listed a few of behaviors which I view as toxic, but there are a ton more. Thinking about it, EVERYDAY we are becoming sick. Everyday, all day round.
We are depressed, most of us, we have anxiety, we feel lonely… We have severe diseases because we don’t respect Nature…
There’s just so much wrongness in this world. Reading the news is suffocating, walking in the streets and looking around at the sadness, homeless people scarred by their misery, people with mental illness absently talking to themselves. I feel like I’m truly living in a dystopia.
Believe me, I want to make a world a better place, but today I was defeated. I just feel so alone, I feel like no one cares about this, no one is fighting my battle. I am constantly swimming against a current. Today, the skeptics were right, because I did nothing about it and it continued existing despite me wanting to change it. Today, the sickness won and depression stroke again. Today I felt like nothing I ever did mattered, I felt like no one really cares about me and that the Human species is evil and I don’t want to live here anymore. Anxiety spiraling, toxic thoughts, numbness to what’s around me.
I really want to make the world a better place, but there are days when the despair wins and I am defeated. But despite those, days like tomorrow will continue to happen, days when I wake up with doubled conviction, with motivation, ideas and determination to have a positive influence in the world.