June 3, 2015 by Cláudia
I have a lot of things I want to write about, but tonight I just want to talk about me. I miss talking about me to someone who will listen.
I am in college but I have no friends there (absolutely none). I thought I would make friends, but I was wrong. I don’t know why but I just don’t connect with anyone, this never happened before. I am probably one of the best students of my course and I don’t feel appreciated. I feel like everyone looks down on me and doesn’t take me serious, as if being a good student says something bad about me. They text me to ask for favors and then don’t thank me or talk to me about other things. They take pictures with me and post them on social network but then in real life we don’t talk at all. I’ve tried to connect, tell something about me, I have so many things to say, but no one cared. I know absolutely nothing about my classmates and they know nothing about me. Am I the problem?
I feel alone. No one to talk to. I don’t want to overload my boyfriend with all my stupid shit. I had good friends last year but I lost them. One of them was struggling with depression and completely isolated herself. The other one had a really bad temper and I couldn’t deal with it anymore. She was a good friend but I was tired of feeling stepped on by her.
I feel stepped on quite a lot these days. The people in my college don’t care about me, only about what I can give them. My two only friends nowadays only come to me to talk about their problems and make me feel like my problems are devalued. I feel like I am more their shrink than their friend. They make me feel so devalued as a person. They say things like “I think you have no real problems, you only make them up in your head” or “I think your parents are just fine, you have no reason to feel bad about that situation”. The truth is they don’t really know much about my life and my pain, although I know all of theirs. When I talk about why I’m feeling down, I feel like I have to justify myself and convince them that I have reasons to feel bad. I want to give up on their friendship but then I have no friend at all.
No one truly understands me. My mother gets angry and tells me “Just be okay!” like there is a light switch I can turn on and off. And it really hurts when people say these things because it shows they don’t know what I’ve been through and the pain I feel. Depression is really a solitary disease. If I could just turn it off don’t you think I would? Many times I feel I have no remedy possible. I can’t take pills because all of them that I tried give me bad side effects. But the worst part is the isolation. I want someone to talk to but I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to. All my “friends” seem selfish to me.
I have so much to give, so much love. I do anything for my loved ones but then I don’t get it in return and my pride is hurt. Why is everyone so selfish? I am depressed because I care too much. I don’t want just friends to show on facebook or to hang out and spend time. I want true friends, that care about me and that give me as much as I give them. Is that too much to ask?
There is so much more to it but I lack words. And will power.