February 13, 2016 by What Is A Name After All?
I feel like I lost you for a selfish reason. You used to make me feel special and interesting but not anymore… I don’t want to blame you or anything. Message from one of my closest friends.
This really threw me off. She never made me feel special, whenever she wanted to talk about me or our friendship everything was focused on how I made her feel. You’re so great because I can be myself around you, you’re so great because I feel special with you. Once I asked if she was my friend because she liked who I am or because she liked the way I made her feel. She answered she liked me and gave an example of one of the things that least define me: my good grades. She doesn’t know me at all, but I know her even better than herself.
I was more of a therapist than a friend really, but I felt good helping. I felt good knowing I was making her feel better and helping her deal with her problems. It was when I needed help that I felt bad because I didn’t feel the same effort towards me. Or in the simple things like constantly changing the plans with me because something else came up, or not calling when they knew I was sad. Not being thoughtful, not making an effort.
I was always of utilitarian value to her, I was valuable therefore she made an effort to keep me. But apparently in the last few months I was no longer important to keep. My purpose in her life was not being fulfilled so I didn’t have value anymore. As if I don’t have value for myself.
This is not a one time thing, and I feel so devalued because of it. I feel like I have no friends that make an effort for me. I feel like no one likes me for who I am, because everyone is so centered on what they need and what I can provide. The only nice thing these friends have to say about me is how thankful they are for helping them. But what about me? What about my struggles, what about my qualities, what about my flaws, what about who I am? Sometimes they say things that show that they don’t know me at all… And I am so willing to show them who I am, to have a true two-sided friendship. I feel embarrassed to admit my loneliness as if it reflected some abnormality in who I am.
I can’t understand why people like each other, but no one likes me. What do they have that I don’t have?
All I wanted was a friend that likes me for who I am an not for what I can give you. A friend that makes an effort for me the same way I make for them. Why can’t I be friends with another giver? I feel like I have so much to offer, I feel like I could have beautiful friendships if people let me… But I only have friendships that make me feel devalued, not good enough, not worth the effort. I am starting to realize that I deserve better than this. I deserve people that truly care about me the way I care about them. Maybe I never realized this because I never felt worthy. But I am realizing now that I can’t give everything and then get nothing in return because I deserve better.
Mom says I have to be more selfish. If I am a giver, then people will take advantage and walk all over me. I agree, but I will not turn selfish. I’m not the wrong side here. I believe in true friendship and I won’t become the people that aren’t treating me correctly. I will be a giver to others, and to myself as well.