October 10, 2020 by Cláudia
Last week, my long-term almost-10 year relationship ended, leaving me with this overarching feeling of… Now what?
A big part of my identity, whether I’d like to admit it or not, was being in a serious long-term relationship. Since I remember being a person, basically. At least a part of my future was defined and somewhat safe. We would live together and build our future lives together, whatever they would end up looking like.
And now… The future is not so certain anymore. And I’ve been feeling a bit more lost than usual. Struggling to find meaning for my existence. Struggling to feel safe and to be able to think about the future.
It’s funny because I’ve always said that finding a romantic partner should not be a woman’s main/only end-goal in life. That being in a relationship is not a meaning to life, that we should find our own meaning for ourselves. That, despite what we’re told, we are a complete person by ourselves. That’s all wise and true. And yet… whenever I was filled with existential dread, insomnia, and my brain kept asking me all these questions about my purpose that I didn’t have the answers to, the thought of having someone to share this journey with calmed me down and reassured me I was doing something right.
Right now, easing my soul-searching mind has not been as easy as it once was, which is why instead of sleeping I am writing this in the middle of the night, even though I’ll have to wake up in… 5 hours. I don’t know the answers that I demand of myself. I don’t know why I was given this life and what I should do with it. Or how to know if I’m doing something right. I don’t know and I’ve been telling myself it’s okay to not know for the moment.
It’s hard to let go of plans and projects that seemed like a promise of a happy and fulfilling future. For the moment, I am feeling quite lost and unmotivated. And, while I know I am extremely lucky for many different reasons… right now I feel like I need to be sad and lost for a while. Which is okay.
So, going back to the initial question: What now?
Well, I really don’t know. I’m so frustrated with this answer but it’s the only one I can provide at the moment. It’s okay that I don’t know exactly what will come next for the moment. I’ve had things figured out for a while and I’m allowed to just stay still for now. I will slow down my activism and my productivity for a bit and trust that I am exactly where I need to be. I’m going back to therapy, as soon as I manage the courage to call the clinic (not that I’m afraid of going back to therapy, I just have this intense aversion to making phone calls). Sidenote: I saw this really funny meme about GenZ that was something like: Is too afraid to ask for more ketchup but will bodyslam a cop. I’m not GenZ but I thought it was hilarious.
My mind is all over the place just like this post, but I’m letting it be. I trust the process. Or at least I want to be open to trusting the process.
For the moment, I don’t want to put too much pressure on myself to do certain things or feel certain ways. I’m just letting myself be.
Eventually, I’ll want to get back to some of my routines. Morning yoga. Language lessons. Climate and social justice activism. I’ve also been toying with starting to write fiction again, something I haven’t done in literal years, even if it’s just short stories. Just to try something new. Or something old in this case.
But for now, I need rest.