August 12, 2018 by Cláudia
I have been feeling very useless lately.
I have talked a lot about depression in this blog and in my real life. I have had some really dark times in my past, filled with pain, anxiety and delusion. I am better now. Some days I feel happiness. But I have an unanswered question regarding depression that always leaves me wondering – am I going to have to deal with depression for the rest of my life?
On the road to recovery, there is a lot of doubt. A lot of questions about my self-worth. Am I enough? Am I capable? Am I worthy of love? Most days I would say yes, but today… I am not so sure.
Today I feel useless because I had to do some research. It was really important that I did. I had a timetable and everything. And all I did all day was watch Dr Phil episode’s on Youtube. Some of them I had even already watched before. And eat chocolate. Which is disappointing because I promised myself I was going to eat clean and be productive. For my own good. I am wasting so much time and I am not even getting any pleasure or satisfaction by doing it. I have been completely and utterly wasting my time.
I let myself down and now I am both trying to forgive myself and being extremely verbally abusive to myself. Some of the things I’ve been saying to myself I wouldn’t even say to my worst enemy. I don’t even have any enemies. I have been tearing myself down but I can’t stop because I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated nicely.
And at times like these, I realize that I have not fully recovered. Not even close. I keep remembering things that happened during my teenage years and there is so much that still hurts. So many wounds that were left.
I was never made to feel like I was enough. There is a lot to be said about the parenting I had, but I just don’t know how to explain everything in a way that is clear and doesn’t go on forever. This is the summary: I never felt loved for who I am. And no matter how good my grades were, I was never good enough. There was always something I could have done better, somehow I could become better.
But this was back then, now I am 22 years old and I can’t find excuses for myself. Even though I hurt, I must keep going. I was proud that I kept going. Lately, though, I have been feeling zero motivation. I want to become independent, leave my mom’s house, finally build my own life. But some ghost from the past keeps taking over and telling me about all the things I can’t do. About all the ways I am not enough. About all the times I failed, all the times other people have devalued me, doubted my worth and made me feel worthless.
So here I am, fully aware that I should be doing more. Fully aware that I am now an “adult” and I should be building my own life. While at the same time feeling extremely disempowered. And being extremely negative towards myself. In a way that only cripples me more.
I have been very judgemental towards myself because I have not been managing my time well. I just feel like I don’t deserve forgiveness because I have no good excuse. I am just extremely demotivated.
I understand how important self-talk is. I can see how I am crippling myself by what I am saying to myself. I was doing better. I need to get back on track.
I am enough.
I am proud of myself.
I can achieve everything that I want to.
I am worthy of love.