Feeling useless (productivity and negative self-talk)

4

August 12, 2018 by Cláudia

I have been feeling very useless lately.

I have talked a lot about depression in this blog and in my real life. I have had some really dark times in my past, filled with pain, anxiety and delusion. I am better now. Some days I feel happiness. But I have an unanswered question regarding depression that always leaves me wondering – am I going to have to deal with depression for the rest of my life?

On the road to recovery, there is a lot of doubt. A lot of questions about my self-worth. Am I enough? Am I capable? Am I worthy of love? Most days I would say yes, but today… I am not so sure.

Today I feel useless because I had to do some research. It was really important that I did. I had a timetable and everything. And all I did all day was watch Dr Phil episode’s on Youtube. Some of them I had even already watched before. And eat chocolate. Which is disappointing because I promised myself I was going to eat clean and be productive. For my own good. I am wasting so much time and I am not even getting any pleasure or satisfaction by doing it. I have been completely and utterly wasting my time.

I let myself down and now I am both trying to forgive myself and being extremely verbally abusive to myself. Some of the things I’ve been saying to myself I wouldn’t even say to my worst enemy. I don’t even have any enemies. I have been tearing myself down but I can’t stop because I don’t feel like I deserve to be treated nicely.

And at times like these, I realize that I have not fully recovered. Not even close. I keep remembering things that happened during my teenage years and there is so much that still hurts. So many wounds that were left.

I was never made to feel like I was enough. There is a lot to be said about the parenting I had, but I just don’t know how to explain everything in a way that is clear and doesn’t go on forever. This is the summary: I never felt loved for who I am. And no matter how good my grades were, I was never good enough. There was always something I could have done better, somehow I could become better.

But this was back then, now I am 22 years old and I can’t find excuses for myself. Even though I hurt, I must keep going. I was proud that I kept going. Lately, though, I have been feeling zero motivation. I want to become independent, leave my mom’s house, finally build my own life. But some ghost from the past keeps taking over and telling me about all the things I can’t do. About all the ways I am not enough. About all the times I failed, all the times other people have devalued me, doubted my worth and made me feel worthless.

So here I am, fully aware that I should be doing more. Fully aware that I am now an “adult” and I should be building my own life. While at the same time feeling extremely disempowered. And being extremely negative towards myself. In a way that only cripples me more.

I have been very judgemental towards myself because I have not been managing my time well. I just feel like I don’t deserve forgiveness because I have no good excuse. I am just extremely demotivated.

I understand how important self-talk is. I can see how I am crippling myself by what I am saying to myself. I was doing better. I need to get back on track.

Deep breaths.

I am enough.

I am proud of myself.

I can achieve everything that I want to.

I am worthy of love.

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4 thoughts on “Feeling useless (productivity and negative self-talk)

  1. theveganstoryteller says:

    Hey there, I hope you’re doing better since you wrote this. I just wanted to pop in and let you know you’re not alone in this. We’re all guilty of losing time at one time or another. I think it’s a way, we humans, use to quiet down our overwhelming feelings. It’s kind of irrational but watching shows mindlessly quiets anxiety temporarily. That’s why I procrastinate personally. I’ve found the work of Mel Robbins recently and it’s made me realize that doing stuff like watching shows is simply a habit. And like any habit it can be broken.
    Also, I wanted to say that there is no timeline in life. There’s nothing saying you should have this or this or have achieved x by a certain age. It’s chatter created by our own minds.
    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
    Things unfold as they are supposed to.
    Just work on your goals a day at a time and you’ll get where you want to be.
    Don’t feel guilty for an unproductive day or 10.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Cláudia says:

      Hi! Thank you so much for your kind words. It really does mean a lot. I’m still not doing great at being productive but I’m trying my best to not beat myself down too much.
      What you say makes complete sense. Is Mel Robbins an author? What book would you recommend?
      Best wishes! ❤ ❤

      Like

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