In an unlikely attempt of defining myself, I have been, over the years, writing a list of qualities I believe I have. With qualities I don’t mean good characteristics, but “properties”, I mean, aspects that really define me, that belong to me and aren’t a result of my past or context. I must say I failed completely and still can’t find the answer to the primordial question – “who am I?”. And what does that mean? What does it mean to say I’m “nice” or “stubborn”? I may be “nice” today and not tommorow. I’m stubborn but in a certain circumstance I may admit I’m wrong. So this isn’t nearly enough to come closer to me, Claudia, what does being me means? Can identity be objective or merely a matter of perspective? Is there anything about us that doesn’t come from our past and social context? Is there what, without a better word, we call a soul? Something imutable, complete that doesn’t change with our personal story?
These are questions that I probably will never answer. However, I won’t stop looking and searching and this list tries to find those immutable characteristics. Some of them I recognize as being the consequence of my personal path, others I realize are not real characteristics of my personality, more like beliefs, feelings or ways of living. However, all of them have been permanent.
I will now translate that list as accurately as possible.
– Permanent Imbalance
– I don’t know anymore…
– Anxiety/Seek for Knowledge
– Pain of Thinking
– Panic of Death
– Hope again
(Note that this wasn’t written in the same day but all over the years and will hopefully be enlarged and corrected)