March 5, 2017 by What Is A Name After All?
In one day of a 30-day yoga programme, one of the affirmations was I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.
While I am enough and I have enough resonated with me, when I said that I do enough I didn’t really feel like I deserved to say it.
Do I do enough?
I do something, and I care a lot. But I am discouraged too much of my time, I feel lazy and miss opportunities to actually make a difference. This happens frequently. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself, but maybe I do need to be hard on myself in order to actually change something. Sometimes I am not awake. Sometimes I plan on doing something but then I just lay in my bed and watch a TV-show. I don’t know whether I’m being too hard on myself or I’m not being hard enough.
I have done many many changes in me and in my life in past years – I am more and more aware of the environmental impact of my actions, I am more tolerant and kind to other people, I am more aware than ever of how I can actually change the world, I have this blog in which I try to share and spread ideas of solidarity, tolerance and equality. I don’t judge people anymore when they make different life choices than me and understand that everyone has the right to discover what’s right for them in their own way. I read and inform myself so that I can inform others and change things in my life to help. I learned about zero-waste, animal rights, fair trade, organic and a lot of different concepts that have changed my life and keep changing it every day.
Clearly I am not doing nothing. But I cannot honestly say I am doing everything I can. Not even close. I want to create a project regarding homelessness, with the aim of changing people’s perspectives and stigmas on it. The project right now is merely a vague idea without any practical concretization. I want to be zero waste, but laziness and lack of will power just leads me to make the easier choice sometimes. I want to get involved in so many different things that usually end up getting involved in nothing.
I have this burning fear that I will be at the end of my life and regret that I wasted so much time. That I will feel like I could have done more, could have felt more, could have changed more.
I know I am enough and I feel this huge potential inside of me. But other parts of me sometimes prevent me from reaching my full potential – fear of speaking in public, fear of being inadequate, lack of motivation, residual depression and anxiety – and sometimes it turns into a terrible cycle in which I am not doing much because I feel demotivated and I feel demotivated because I am not doing much.
In retrospective, I recognize that I am much changed – for the better. I recognize that I will change in the future as well. But, as for the present, I can’t help to think that I could do so much more. Maybe I will never consider I am doing enough. I am always seeing new things I can improve – both in me and in the world around me – and maybe that’s just how growth happens. Maybe it’s okay for me to think I am not doing enough if it will inspire me to do more and more and better and better. Or maybe I should be proud of my progress instead of focusing on the things I should be doing.
Any thoughts? Is it better to try to feel like I am doing enough just the way it is or to try more, searching for the unattainable, vague, concept of enough?